


Blame Is A Two Sided War...

by DiphylleiaGrayis



Series: OC Series... [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, ChanHun is side but helps a lot in character development... I think, Drama, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Married Life, Romance, Tragedy, family life, it's not all sad I promise, nonidol au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 06:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8045272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiphylleiaGrayis/pseuds/DiphylleiaGrayis
Summary: Spring was a time for new adventures, new love. Jongin was the embodiment of spring.





	Blame Is A Two Sided War...

**Author's Note:**

> This is cross posted from my AFF account under the username FlamingBlingJongho.
> 
> This is part of my OC series, if you would like a fic based off of you please go over to my AFF account and dm me:)

Spring was a time for new adventures, new love. Jongin was the embodiment of Spring.

You had met through dance class, both finding pleasure in losing yourself to the beat. It didn't take long for you to notice him, not with the way he shined. His body moved with grace, whether he was dancing or not, and his smile was something you could get lost in. But you saw more than just his physical attractions. You saw the way he always had a positive energy surrounding him, and how he always put other before himself. There were things you saw in him that no one else did. Like the way his dreams showed through when he danced, his eyes would shine with passion. It was breathtaking.

The night air was cooling and calm, leaves rustled in the breeze. It was late, but you had stayed at the dance studio to practice, hoping to perfect the latest routine. You wished you could be at home, preferably sleeping, like every other student.

"Tighten you core, your twist is sloppy."

Startled, you had been so immersed in the rhythm you had failed to hear anyone enter the room, you lose your balance and fall to the floor. There's a slight throb in your lower back from falling, in a less than graceful way, on the studio's hard wood floors. You flip up the loose strands of hair that had fallen out of your ponytail, moving it from your vision, and it was then you see who the voice belongs to.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He gently grabs your arm, helping you stand. His hand is warm on your elbow, you hope your face doesn't show your embarrassment. "I'm Jongin, by the way."

Jongin, of course, it had to be him. "Of course it's you." Damn, well that's not what you wanted to say.

He looked taken back, "I'm sorry? I didn't mean to intrude on you. I'll just lea-"

"No!" You stumble forward, trying to keep him from leaving so you can explain yourself. But you, being you, end up tripping. This time it's both of you who fall to the floor. "I didn't, what I meant to say— I don't mind you being here— I just, I—"

You huff, blowing up the hair that once again is falling into your face, as you lay on the floor. This whole talking thing had never been your forte. Jongin laughs as he lifts himself into a sitting position. You try and the warmth that radiates from Jongin as his arm brushes past your own.

"I forgot my bag earlier, I was just here to grab it when I noticed you. I'm sorry if I scared you. I just wanted to help, honest. You're a really good performer, I hope you didn't take offense by my advice." Jongin smiles, that one special kind that makes your heart flutter a bit.

Wow, had it always been so hot in here? It must be that, you know your cheeks are red, but it's not because of Jongin complimenting you. Definitely not.

"I— I... Thank you." You move to sit up, legs in a crisscrossed position. Was it getting hotter in here? No, the floor was just getting colder. That had to be it, obviously. "You're good too, at dancing I mean."

He laughs again and you fall easily into a conversation. He seems to know how to continue when you fumble over what to say next, it's a good dynamic. Hours pass just like that, sitting and talking, the dance studio is long past closed for the day. The conversation ranges from school and dance to what you would do if the world ended and all you had was a spoon to defend yourself. It feels like you've known each other for ages. There's no awkward pauses and there's a light atmosphere. It's not until he gets a text from his roommate, who's wondering where in hell he's at, do you both notice the time. It's late in the night, like way late, and you both have classes in only a few hours.

"Well, I guess we should probably get some rest, huh?" He helps you up, again.

"I guess." You fiddle with your hands, "Maybe we could do this again?"

"This? Like debating whether or not you could survive off of gummy bears and orange juice for year? I'm in." Jongin smiles. "But next time why don't we leave out the whole scaring you and tripping me thing. Unless you're into that, and if you are let me know so I can where clothes with more padding." Jongin winks as you let out an airy leaving. "Let's do it over dinner next time."

"Ye-Yeah, that sounds doable." Jongin is asking you on a date, you.

Jongin does another one of those signature smiles and hands you his phone, you put in your number. When you hand it back, you act like you don't see him out a few smiley emojis by your name.

"Great, I'll text you soon. I gotta get going, Sehun is about to rip my head off." He says with an eye roll and slight chuckle. "Goodnight, I'll see you later."

'See you late' it's not a question, but more of a promise. Jongin walks away with a wave as you gather your things, leaving you to hope he really will.

 

It's not until a couple of weeks later that you see Jongin again. It's during dance class. He rushes into the room, already late, and he gives you an look that seems almost apologetic. The class seems to drag on as you and Jongin share passing looks. There's small voice picking at you as to why Jongin never texted you, but you shove it aside.

When the class ends you are quick to grab your things and leave, but Jongin is quicker. He stops you at the door and pulls you aside.

"I-" He starts.

"Why didn't you text me?" You sounds accusing, which is ridiculous. You have no reason to me mad, you didn't even really mean to say it, but sometimes words seem to just slip out.

"I was going to, I swear. But I have a good excuse. Let me explain, please?" He rushes out.

Does he really expect you to say no? "O–okay."

"So I was going to text you, promise. I was going to do it once I left but Sehun ended up calling. You know Sehun right, Oh Sehun? He's that tall, skinny kid that chugs bubble tea like it'll save his life. Sometimes he comes to our dance class. Anyways, I guess he was fighting with his boyfriend, like they're a great couple and all but sometimes Chanyeol doesn't think before he opens his mouth. Seriously, one time Sehun and Chanyeol were messing around and Sehun said he wishes he was more like Baekhyun, because he's good at singing and stuff. Chanyeol said "I'm glad you're not," and instead of shutting his mouth while he was ahead he said "I think if you were like him you'd be out of my league." Then when Sehun got mad he tried to make it better but Chanyeol, being the unfortunate idiot he is, said "I don't mean it like that, you're out of my league but Baekhyun is way out of my league and would never settle like you." So basically if you ever here about 'the incident' it refers to the time Sehun ignored Chanyeol for like 4 weeks. And I mean he acted like he didn't exist, Sehun wouldn't talk to him or anyth-." Jongin sucks in a breath, "I'm rambling, aren't I?"

You nod your head and let out a quiet laugh. Mentally you make a note to meet Oh Sehun someday.

"I'm not usually like this, really. You just make me so nervous, I mean you're just so– well, so you." His gaze is anywhere but on you. But that's probably a good thing, you don't think you could look him in the eyes right now anyway.

You open your mouth, about to question what he means, but then Jongin speaks again.

"Anyway, back to my original point. When I got back to my room Sehun was all upset so I was trying to comfort him. I don't know why I really try at this point, I'm not a tub of Ben & Jerry's so I should probably get it by know nothing I can do will really calm him. But when I went to text you he got really mad that my attention wasn't on him and threw my phone down the toilet." Jongin looks at you, "I'm so sorry I couldn't talk to you. School has been tough lately, and on top of that I've been having to deal with Sehun. That's why I haven't been able to come to dance class, or get my phone fixed. Forgive me?"

There's a hopeful look in Jongin's eyes, you can feel your heart speed up a bit. How could you say no?

You bite your lip, a smile playing at the corners. "So did Sehun ever forgive Chanyeol?"

The wave of relief the washed over Jongin is almost palpable, he laughs. "Yeah, took forever though. What finally got him to give was when Chanyeol took him to the roof and announced in front of all of our friends— and a bunch of random stranger— that he was an unworthy fool who didn't deserve him." There's an amused, yet fond look on Jongin's face.

"Oh my god, no way that happened!" You muffle a laugh into your hand.

Jongin raises an eyebrow, "You want to bet?" He laughs, "Sehun is one of the most over dramatic brats I have ever met, hence why my phone was thrown down a toilet." He sighs, a smile graces his face as he leans again the wall. "But despite how much he puts me through, I love him. He's like the brother I've never had."

You look at him for a while, a comfortable silence lays in the air. There's a fond expression settled on his features as he talks about his friend, you put meeting Sehun as a definite priority.

"You're really a good person." Once again you say something that was on your mind.

"So I take it you're not mad at me then?" The hopeful look is back.

"Hmm, well..." You tease, but you both know fully well you couldn't be mad at him. "I guess you could make it up to me." You tap your chin, as if deep in though. "I'm just not sure how yet."

Jongin grins, "How about we start off with that dinner? Then I can prove to you bodies cannot function off of sugar and artificial flavoring for an entire year."

Your shoulders shakes as you both laugh.

"Do you really want fight me on that? I mean I have personal experience to back it up."

He lifts his hands up in mock surrender. "Well then, I'll just have to prove to you how real food is just as good for you."

"You just might have to," There's a sudden confidence in your voice that wasn't there before. "So what did you mean earlier? When you said I made you nervous?"

Jongin looks confused for a second, but then it clicks with him what he had said as he sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. "Oh, you heard that?"

He doesn't sound angry, not in the least, but you still hesitate with your answer. "Yeah."

"Well, I mean you do. You make me question myself and I have no clue why. We haven't really known each other very long, not formally. But I've been watching you for awhile now." He lets out a low laugh."Wow, that sounds creepy, but I promise you I'm not a total stalker. I just think you're so beautiful and talented."

He couldn't mean that right? Kim Jongin couldn't think someone like you was anything special. You're expression turned into one of disbelief.

"It's pretty clear you don't believe me, you don't do you." It's not a question, he just knows, "I can see the way you hide within yourself sometimes. I just want you to know that I'd never change who you are or judge you, I just want to get to you know. It might be strange for me to say this and I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but most of what I'm saying is anyway, I think you're perfect, and I'd love if you'd give me a chance to show you that you are."

You're lost for words, unsure how to respond or if you even should. So you haven't been the only one studying the other? But there's no way he could mean it, definitely not you. 

"Friday night, 7 o'clock. I'll pick you up at we'll go to the new cafe down the street from the campus. You don't have to make any decisions now, we can talk then." As he leans in next to you, the heat Jongin's body emits leaves you feeling warm and comfortable, but at the same time you feel suffocated in it.

"O—okay." Since when did breathing become so hard?

Jongin presses a quick kiss to your cheek, you know your face is bright red. Next thing you know he's grabbing his gym bag and heading out the door. Both of you have wide smiles and he looks back to you.

"See you Friday, I can't wait" Neither can you.

One date turns into two, two into ten. It doesn't take long for you to stop counting, it seems like most of your time is spent either with or around Jongin. Conversations get longer, and so do nights spent together. Things have since become official and you couldn't be happier. Jongin is easy to be with, and even easier to talk to. You can confide in him. You tell Jongin things you've never even been able to admit to yourself.

It's a peaceful night when you share your secrets, darkness blankets the sky. The conversation had escalated rather quickly, what had stared out as a debate between strawberries or bananas- Jongin was adamant that the small red fruit was superior— had soon become much more.

"I mean, they're cool an all but there is no way strawberries are better. Half the time they aren't even in season!" You laugh. The television idly flickering in the background, long forgotten.

Jongin looks personally offended about your opinion, but smiles anyway."You're kidding right? Just add a little sugar. Even out of season strawberries are better than bananas."

You scrunch your nose, "Gross, adding sugar is just adding extra calories. And I certainly don't need those." The words came out without thought.

"What is that supposed to mean?" There was a concerned glint in Jongin's eyes, his voice slightly on edge.

"I— well I just mean..." What even do you mean? Is he mad? You hadn't meant anything with the statement, it was just what you thought. You had never really been comfortable with your body. You had no significant physical problems, not by any means and you knew that. But you also never were able to relate with loving the skin you're in, it was just always an insecurity you couldn't get over.

"This isn't the first time you've said something like that."

You keep quiet, he's right. Your eyes traveled to anything but him, to embarrassed. You've messed this up too.

"I just don't get it. You're the most amazing person I have ever met. I've never said anything before because i just tacked it up to you being nervous, but we've been together for a year and some now and I can't take it anymore." Jongin looks slightly flustered, his brow furrowing just a tad.

You lifted your gaze, mouth open, about to protest. Or apologize, you don't know which.

"No let me finish. You, you're the most wonderful person I have ever known. I thank the stars everyday to have someone as great and beautiful as you in my life. To think I have someone there for me, even when I mess up, is the best thing that has happened to me. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. My life just seemed so bland before." Jongin cups the side of your face, locking your gazes together. "But now I have you, the girl of my dreams. And I won't— I can't— take it anymore. When you downgrade yourself, I feel so helpless. I can see it, sometimes it's when we're practicing dance, others it at random time like when we walk past a store widow. I can see the uncertainly in your eyes, like you're debating with yourself if you're worth it."

"Jongin, I'm so sorry. I don't— I never meant to— " Never what, let him find out that that's exactly what you think? You want to tell him he's wrong, that you don't feel that way. But you can't, you couldn't lie to him. Not Jongin.

He lifts a finger to quiet you, "I'm not done. You're right though, you've never meant to. You're never meant to feel that way, what do you feel like you don't deserve? Me? Love? Because let me tell you, you deserve all the good the world has to offer. If anyone, it's me who doesn't deserve you."

You hope he isn't expecting an answer, you're not sure you could give one.

"I love you so much. I just want to see you love yourself, too." Jongin kisses your hand, lets you rest you head on his chest.

The rest of the night is spent listening to Jongin's heartbeat and whispered promises.

 

Spring was a time for new adventures, new love. Jongin and your baby boy was born in Spring.

Season change once again, and then repeat the process over and over. Leaves change from green to rich shades of yellow and red. Years pass by with Jongin still at your side. By now you have both have graduated from University and have gone onto your respective job fields. You a preschool teacher and Jongin a dance instructor. You never would have even dreamed about taking care of little children. Half your life you thought they were all snot-nosed trolls, and you were partially right. But seeing the excitement in their eyes over the littlest of things and their overall joy for life was refreshing, it grounded you. Jongin, on the other hand, had always loved his job. His passion for dance coupled with his desire to help others ultimately lead to him opening his own studio. Everyday he was excited to go into work, never once did he dread going. On the side, Jongin worked as a part time EMT. He had always found the medical industry fascinating and when his mother was injured in a car accident it only fueled him to go onto and attended the necessary classes and seminars it took to get his license. That was one thing you would never tire of, Jongin's heart of gold.

Your wedding had been small, neither of you interested in a grand event. You didn't need a huge dress or ten tiered cake, you had Jongin and that was enough. Only close family and friends attended. Sehun was best man, of course, not that there was really a choice. The brat had all but threatened to disown and renounce their friendship and all that came along with it if he was anything but. Poor Chanyeol was held as ransom for the title. Jongin's sister served as your maid-of-honor, your dogs the ring bears. It was perfect. His parents had helped you buy a house after the wedding. It was small, but homely. Pictures decorated the walls, and you could picture little feet running across the floors. The backyard was the perfect size for a small swing set and room for the dogs to roam. It wasn't long until you got just that.

When you had told Jongin he had nearly fallen out of his chair. You had wanted to break it in easy, but you, being you, had let it slip one random night during dinner. Jongin was shocked speechless, fork held halfway between his mouth and plate, but he soon to recovered. Before you could say anything else he was up and out of his chair spinning you around, his smile wider than you had ever seen before.

Your pregnancy had gone smoothly. There weren't any complications and Jongin gave all the support you could have asked for. As your body steadily grew, changing to accommodate another human being, your insecurities had flared. You wondered if Jongin hated your new body, if he would prefer someone thinner. Sometimes you would randomly question him on the subject, and his answer would be the same each and every time. He told you he would be there for you through  everything, all the doctor's appointments, every ultrasound, any morning you couldn't bring yourself out of bed, and through all the morning sickness, everything. Never did he let you forget that you were carrying your child that was a part of him inside of you, and of course you body was changing but you were beautiful regardless. Jongin loved you, so you should too. Still, your self image had never been very great. But that all changes when you see your baby on screen for the first time, when you heard the tiny heartbeat for the first time you knew. You knew no matter what you thought of yourself, that inside you was something beautiful, a baby that was you and Jongin. You had both cried when finding out it was a boy, a little Jongin. Your heart swells even thinking about it. At work the kids always asked if "there was really a baby in there" and to touch your growing stomach, you'd just laugh and nod. Seeing their small faces only made you more excited for when your little one would finally come. 

He was a rather placid child, a calm demeanor like his father. And just as his father did, he brought you happiness than you never knew possible. You loved your son, and Jongin, more than you had loved anything else in your life. You felt more love, happiness, and comfort than you could have ever even imagined.

"He looks like his daddy." You had told Jongin one night, your little family cuddling on your coach. Your son was fast asleep in a fuzzy blanket, his lashes brushing the tops of his cheeks. "A true gift."

"No, he looks like us." Jongin had said, kissing your forehead, holding your baby closer. "A real blessing."

After the pregnancy, exercise had become part of your daily routine. It wasn't hard, not with Jongin being a dance instructor and his EMT position requiring him to stay in top shape. You hadn't ever truly given up dancing, so using it as an excuse to get back into pre-pregnancy shape was a fun pass time. Sometimes you'd go to his studio, watch his students learn new routines. Some students blundered the choreography while other aced it.

Once in awhile you'd join in, smile when Jongin fumbled with a student because he failed to keep his eyes off of you. Your son running between your or Jongin's legs, laughing when his father would pick him up over his shoulders. Later you'd all go out eat, your son falling asleep in during the car ride back home. These were the memories you'd never forget. Days like those were your favorite.

It seemed time just flew by, first it was his even when first birthday, then his third. You watched your little boy grow up before your eyes. is chubby cheeks jiggled as he laughed, and his eyes crinkled the same way as Jongin's. He grew to look just like his dad, but he had your tastes. He grabbed for bananas before strawberries, and would live off of gummy bears if you'd have let him. It amused Jongin and you the same at how like he was to both of his parents. There was nothing you didn't adore about him, not even when he played with his food or when he'd cry to get his way- which he always did. He was your sweet, precious boy.

 

Spring was a time for new love, new adventures. But not this Spring.

You try and look at Jongin, but its just so hard. His eyes, his smile, it was all just so him.

"God dammit, just say it." You snap, fists slamming down. The glasses shake from the force, slightly rattling against the table you are both seated at, but you pay no mind when one knocks over. You aren't one to get worked up, but this was getting to be too much.

You don't really want to fight, not anymore. Since the accident you two had barely even breached the subject, instead picking any small problem to argue about. Ignoring the real issue. But the way Jongin is looking at you now, the same way he has been looking at you for the past couple of months, breaks the damn of emotions you have yet to actually let out. The constant denial of feelings and avoiding confrontation is getting old. It's as if the metaphorical cap of the bottle is now open and all of the repressed feelings are being let out.

Jongin sighs, "Please don't start this again." He sounds tired, you both are.

"Start what? We haven't talked since it happened." You want to cry, but you've given up on crying a while ago. The sting at the corner of your eyes are like the empty, whispered promises you and Jongin once shared. But now it seems as if the only thing shared between the two of you is animosity. No longer are you sad, just numb. And angry, you're so angry. "You make it sound like we talk all of the time Jongin, but we don't! Not really, and you know it."

"I really don't want to get into it." Jongin says steadily, always one to stay calm. His forefinger and thumb pinch the top of his nose bridge. 

"Well guess what, I do.You once told me to love myself, Jongin. But now you're the one that makes me hate who I am. Please, just stop, stop fucking looking at me like— like that." What you're saying is vague, but Jongin is fully aware of what you mean.

"And how is that exactly that?" His jaw matches the atmosphere, tight and tense.

"Like it's all my fault." You're voice catches in your throat, but you managed to push it out. "Just go ahead and say it Jongin, I failed— fucked up. I'm no longer that pretty dancer girl you fell in love with during school. I'm just the woman who killed your child."

And that was it, the calm facade Jongin had been presenting himself with has cracked.

"What do you want me to say? Should I say that I feel alright, that I can go on everyday without him? Is that what you want me to say? Because I can't. I can't fucking act like this anymore." Jongin takes in a deep breath. "I can't act like I don't blame you, because I do."

You smile, because finally. Finally you're getting somewhere, finally acknowledging the truth. It is out there now, the truth. "You don't think I blame myself? Jongin I was the one in the fucking car with him! There's not a second that has gone by that I don't think about him. His smile, his laugh. The way we would brighten up when you read to him in funny voices. I think of the way he looked so scared. Jongin he was so helpless. I couldn't do anything to save him and it kills me inside every time I think of him, knowing I did nothing. I just sat there as I held my baby's hand as he died right there in front of me. My baby died and it was my fault. There's nothing I can ever do to forgive myself."

You look into Jongin's eyes, the same eyes that were once filled with such passion that they seemed to burn. But now they're empty, like coals losing fire, eyes that used to be filled with life are now dulled by the loss of it.

"He was my son too." Jongin grits out, features pained. He didn't look angry, just exhausted. The bags under his eyes are only getting darker as each day passes. You want to ask if he's been sleeping, but you know he hasn't. 

The breathe you heave out is deep, despite getting out what you want to say your chest still feels heavy, you're not done yet. "I know that. And that's why I blame you, too." Jongin looks shocked, blindsided. You'd never told him this before. "I know I shouldn't, but I do. Because you weren't there. We needed you Jongin, but you weren't there."

Jongin runs his hands over his face. He looks up, about ready to speak, but you beat him to it.

"Do you know what I said to him? What I said to our son as he looked to me, dying." Jongin gives you a cautious look, you continue on. ""Hold on, Daddy is coming. He's going to save us, he's going to make everything okay. Just wait for Daddy." You were supposed to come and save us Jongin, we were your family. That's why you became an EMT right? To save people? But you couldn't even save your son. He just smiled at me, and said "Daddy." That was his last word Jongin."

You know what you've said was unwarranted, but you couldn't help it. You had meant to take that to your grave, never to tell a soul, but by keeping it to yourself it was eating away at your own. After all, you never were able to keep much to yourself. And that was certainly a moment you could never stop thinking about, they way his little hand gripped onto your's and the way his voice came out like a plead. Jongin and his team had been the first to respond to the scene, but they were too late. By the time helped had arrived it was already over, the drunk driver that had hit into your car was dead, and you're little boy too.

"Jongin, this isn't even a house anymore. It's a battlefield, and we're both losing this war."

Silence hangs in the air. You both know there's more to discuss, but neither know what to say.

"I... I know." His voice cracks, "I know I was supposed to save him, dammit. I was supposed to save him, but I couldn't. We both failed him, we didn't protect him. And now now we can't even save our relationship." Jongin says.

There is another break of quiet as Jongin moves across the table to wraps his arms around you. The embrace is warm and comforting, there's a nostalgic feeling to it, something you haven't felt in too long.

"I was suppose to give him the world, but I took his away instead." You whisper into his chest, fingers curling to the fabric of his shirt. "That day my world died along with him."

Jongin strokes your hair and rubs along your back, "I know, mine did too."

You're not sure how long you stand there, just the two of you. It's almost like before, like the long nights spent in the dance studio years back, the quiet is almost peaceful. But it's not, the silence screams. It is filled with the absence of the sound of small feet running down the halls, the ringing of laughter at being chased. The silence just showcases the lack of life that fills the house. But there's nothing you can do, but dwell within it. This is it, closure. Acceptance.

 

Spring was a time for old love, missed adventures. Spring would never be the same.

They say time heals all wounds, which is cliche. But all cliches bare some truth that has yet to be discovered. Some days are better than others. Some days are spent in bed thinking of what could have been. You no longer join Jongin at the studio, too many memories. Memories of a different time, when everything was okay. Jongin had taken down the small swing set in the backyard, a bare plot left in its wake. The emptiness seemed fitting, the lonely look was more welcoming than you'd think. Sometimes you'd sit outside on the ground where it used to be, relishing in the feel of the grass on your legs and hands. You can still hear his laugh, the sound would ring in your ears as if he was there. You could still hear him calling out for "Mama and Daddy" to watch as he showed you something he could do, and even if you had already seen it a million times you would watch with renewed interest every time with a smile.

You try to not let yourself get too caught up in the past, you can't afford to. You had already resigned at your job at the daycare. Fake smiles only last for so many hours of the day. At first the constant condolences and apologies for your loss had been overwhelming, but what really got to you was the children. Their little faces served as constant reminder of what age he would have been. Would have, could have, should have. It seems like just yesterday it had all happened, but only for the fact it still hurt just as much. Jongin wasn't handling the loss much better than you. He had quit working as an EMT, the guilt unbearable. You both kept your suffering rather quiet and to yourselves. You'd play the happy couple when out in public, pretend to smile and laugh along with others. Even though you still fought and yelled in private, to them you were a happy couple who had suffered a tragic loss. Things were getting better, though. You no longer flinch every time you see Jongin because of the resemblance and the compassion eventually comes back to his eyes. You start to meet the other's gaze, holding it for a second before looking away. It's slow, but progress nonetheless. 

Today was the day. Spring was once the time of year you longed for, but now you only dreaded it. Jongin grabs your hand as he leads you through the cemetery. He only lets go when you reach a small headstone, it's decorated in an array of colorful flowers. You kneel down in front of it, Jongin by your side, and lay down the small bouquet.

"Hey, baby boy." You breathe out as you stroke your hand across the engraved marble. "We miss you."

"Happy birthday son," Jongin bites his lip. "Your mother and I think about you all the time." His voice sounds deep, like he's older than he really is, and his eyes the same.

"Are you doing good? Are you happy? I bet you are. I hope now you can eat all the gummy bears you want, and that there are plenty of bananas up there for you. You always have had a big appetite." You let out a small laugh, idly pulling weeds from around the plot. There's small blossom of wild flowers that are scattered around the ground; they're white, the color of innocence. 

You stay like that, just sitting and talking. It's not the life you had pictured for your family, but perhaps it's your normal now. Jongin adds in once in awhile, his hand finding your's once again.

"I'm sorry son, that such a happy day like this is now scarred with so many bad memories. That the day you came into this world was also the day you had to leave it." Jongin runs his hand along the top of the stone and gets up to walk towards the car. His steps are paced, no longer is he running away from the truth. 

"I love you." You whisper, as though you want no one else to hear.

You kiss the top of the stone before you move to follow Jongin. You run to catch up to him, the freshly cut grass almost slick beneath your feet and you lengthen your strides to match Jongin's. When you reach him he wraps his arm around your shoulders as you walk at a leisurely pace. The sounds of birds and people in the distance fill the otherwise quiet air. 

"Do you think we're okay?" You ask, looking up at Jongin.

Jongin doesn't say anything at first, pondering the question. "No, but I think we're ready to start to be."

"Yeah... I think we are too." You smile as Jongin opens the car door for you. The leaves are bright green and flowers are beginning to bloom. You look out the window as you drive off, the sky is blue and clear.

The smile on your face seems a little more real, a little less forced. This is your normal now. Things will be okay.

 

Spring is a time for new starts, new beginnings. Jongin is the embodiment of Spring, and now so are you.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I'm sorry.  
> Also if you didn't think I'd sip ChanHun in there somewhere you were clearly mistaken. 
> 
> Please comment and tell me what you thought! I reply to all comments. Thanks for reading:)


End file.
